Some days I get overwhelmed, and just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to check on the animals again. I don't want to go out for another feeding. I don't want to water another plant. I don't want to cook another meal. I don't want to clean another mess. I don't want to hear another sassy remark. I don't want to teach another lesson. I just want to be quiet, be surrounded by quiet, and not be interrupted. Does it happen? Of course not. But I do have to go to the quiet place of the heart and pull from the strength that is not of me, but of my heavenly father. I have to quiet my spirit and remind myself that the emotional and sometimes hormonal storm will pass. Being a woman is such a blessing, but sometimes the hormones rage, and it isn't always pleasant. I praise God that he has brought me to the place where I can recognize the mood for what it is and guard my attitude and words more closely until the emotions have passed. I am not where I want to be, but at least I am moving in the right direction.
Having said that, there are moments in those times that purely lift my spirit. I know God hears my heart and knows my faith that he will see me through and make me a better person if I rely on him and not give in to the temptation to turn into an overgrown two-year-old! :) Last night was one of those such moments. As I put my children to bed, Jake asked if I would sing bedtime songs. I had let the children stay up really late so they might spend a few minutes with their daddy who had just come home from a two day run. I was worn out and didn't really want to take the time to sing, but I just couldn't say no. I settled in to the rocking chair in his room and commenced to singing bedtime songs. It's funny how I much I love this time with my children. One of the songs says, "I'm climbing up that ladder and I'm going home...at the top of the ladder oh what joy there will be. The angels are holding up that ladder for me." Jake in his three-year-old way of hearing things didn't quite hear the words correctly and wanted to know what "jathebe" meant. I had to explain it was "joy there will be" and that we will be happy in heaven. He wanted to know if he would live in heaven one day. I told him if he loved Jesus, believed Jesus died for him, asked Jesus to live in his heart and asked him to forgive him of his sins and make his heart clean, he would. He told me he wanted Jesus to live in his heart. I asked him if he wanted to pray and ask Jesus to live in his heart and he said he did. I led him in a little prayer, letting him repeat after me. How precious to hear him speak life-giving words. Some say he is too little to understand. I say he understands as well as he is able and better than many adults. He understands that we can't get to heaven without Jesus. He knows Jesus loves him and that Jesus died on the cross. He knows that Jesus did it so we can go to heaven. He knows that when he does "bad" things he needs to ask to be forgiven. During a visit with my mother today, he was eating his lunch. He turned to my mother and said, "Nana, we have God in our heart!" He was trying to share with her what he had done. What is left to understand?
After he prayed, he had to have a whole discussion about heaven and how Jesus would pick him up and tell him how big he was, and he talked about who would be in heaven, and he talked of how he would have different clothes. Oh, the faith and love of a child!
We still had not finished songs at that point. When he seemed to be finished with his discussion, I finished our songs and said bedtime prayers. When we were done, he said, "Now we have to sing 'Praise God'." That is what he calls 'Amazing Grace' because after we finish the verses, I sing "Praise God" to the whole tune of the song. We finished singing the last verse. As we started singing "praise God," His little hands lifted toward heaven, and I could only think "how beautiful." I started thinking of how God must feel looking down upon that precious child singing praises to him. I choked up and had to squeak out the rest of the words.
What a blessing to see my child praise God. Sometimes I feel so unworthy to be a part of the blessings God shares with me, but I sure do praise him for them anyway!
Until we meet again, may you be blessed!